We are now less than 50 days away from the wedding. To be exact, 44 days away today.
December is coming to an end. We are down to the last 10 days of 2016. This whole month was spent distributing my invitation cards and meeting up with friends from different parts of my life just to catch up and pass them the invitations. It’s tiring, but thank god I don’t have that many friends, so it’s not too bad. I’ve been enjoying myself and I can’t think of a better way to wrap up 2016.
January 2017 will be spent with the final stretch of preparations and tying up any loose ends here and there. But mostly, I shall focus on giving myself all the me-time and attention I need, from me to me. I am determined to let things take its own course and allow His plans to unfold, after all the preparations we have done for the past one year or so. It’s time to tawakkal. All that is left to do, is for me and my partner to let all the feelings sink in and digest our emotions about the fact that our lives are about to change forever.
Looking back at the initial stages of the wedding and marriage preparations, I used to have mixed feelings. I was not looking forward to my wedding at all, and was dreading to go through the whole wedding preparation process. Instead, I was looking forward to start marriage life straightaway. To me, I would rather skip the wedding and just nikah straight because I felt like a typical wedding is merely just to please human beings. Afterall, it felt like nothing was going my way in terms of how I want my wedding to be.
But now that the actual wedding is less than two months away, it’s a little embarrassing to admit, but I can actually feel myself getting more mentel than I expected. I am definitely looking forward to the wedding more than before because I get to celebrate the biggest day of my life. All my friends and family are going to come and visit me the whole weekend just to share my happiness. And most importantly, I get to marry my best friend.
On the other hand, with regards to the marriage itself, I feel a little bit more cautious and apprehensive. I wouldn’t say I am having doubts, but I tend to reflect more about how life is going to be like after marriage, what kind of wife I will be and what kind of husband my spouse will be. I am questioning myself whether I am really ready to accept the responsibility of being a wife, and what else I can do during these last 44 days to better equip myself for what’s to come.
One friend who I met last week recently got engaged and is getting married in December 2018. She told me that she is scared to tie the knot because she is afraid of the commitment. And it just got me thinking. It is normal for us to fear something about marriage. I wrote a little bit about my fear here. For me, I do not really have a problem with commitment. But after some reflection, I think I am probably more afraid of responsibilities. I know for sure I have always been a selfish and super stubborn person and I always hate obligations or being told what to do, what to say, what to wear, how to react, how to conduct myself. It is one of my biggest flaw, but I also consider it to be one of my biggest strength. Because it gives me the courage to fight for what I want and to stand on my feet. It might be a negative attribute, but it makes me who I am. As a wife, I know I need to tone it down. It’s just that right now, I am not sure if I am ready to let this part of me go. Somehow, we’ll figure it out insyaAllah.