I will find time to write vendor reviews soon, provided I still remember what happened on my wedding day hahaha. But for now, I feel the need to consistently pen down my thoughts and emotions before it fades or evolve and I forget how I was feeling at each point of time.
Alhamdulillah, now that I have been staying with my husband at my in-laws’ for 6 weeks, we are more ‘settled’ and have established stable daily and weekly routines or schedules. Like we know how often to do laundry, how often to visit my parents, how often to go out on date nights, how often to eat out or eat dinner at home, how to handle our finances etc.
Anyway, here are 5 things I have learned so far from marriage.
- Love is a choice, not a feeling.
Yes, this is a common phrase, which I totally agree with. Before marriage, I already understood what it means to choose to love someone. But after marriage, I feel like this is more relevant than ever. Experiencing true halal love first hand has helped me to internalize this. Have the daily routines started to feel monotonous? A little bit, yes. Well, we are definitely still high in love, but no doubt the monotony of our daily routine (or lack thereof) affects our relationship, especially in terms of expressing affection to each other. Both of us work office hours, which makes our daily routine more… routine. (Not that im complaining, cos I love it.) But I guess now I know what it means by “when you think you have loved him enough, love him even more.” It makes sense. Love really takes effort, a lot of hard work and some creativity, especially on bad days.
- Priorities and perspectives change.
I used to blog about how I questioned Islam’s stand that a husband is higher in hierarchy than a wife. Why wives must obey husbands. Why wife must always ask for permission from husband. Why this, why that. Konon nak fight for gender equality or feminism gitewww. To be honest, before marriage I thought I wouldn’t be able to become that kind of isteri misali from the Islamic perspective. As stubborn, selfish and maybe egoistic as I am to feel that way, it didn’t feel good to have those kind of thoughts. Because deep down, I still want to be a good wife, I just don’t know how, without feeling kind of oppressed. The internal struggles were real. But right now, I could feel the shift in perspective. I feel happy to serve my husband, I feel relieved to have his consent before staying out at night to meet up with friends, and I feel good to obey him. Basically, I am happy as long as he is happy. Or maybe we are still quite a fresh married couple and our love tanks are still very full lol. Whatever it is, alhamdulillah for this change of heart. Maybe Allah is trying to help me. And alhamdulillah, my husband is reciprocating the same things. He serves (and spoils) me in his own ways, he seeks my approval for all his schedule, he often asks for my opinions or advices and listens to them (sometimes), he protects me and he showers me with endless unconditional love. We try our best to treat each other as equals. Ultimately, we are each other’s priorities now. As long as we’re both happy, that’s all that matters. Susah senang sama-sama.
- Responsibilities change.
Yes, my responsibility is towards my husband now, duh. But I feel sad to longer be responsible towards my parents. On the day of the nikah, H and I staycay-ed at a hotel together that night. I was texting my mum, and she said “Monday makan lunch kat rumah mak eh.” It felt like a slap to my face that “rumah mak” is no longer my home, especially since we have decided to stay with H’s family after honeymoon. That moment was probably the saddest part of the whole wedding weekend for me. My heart shattered. Up till now, from time to time when I text mum, she will give advices and reminders to iron my husband’s clothes, be polite and show respect to my husband, jaga hati my parents-in-law, eat what my MIL cooks more than eating out, always dustmop the floor and pick up my hair from the toilet floor (because of my hairfall). It will always make me tear a bit. Because it reminds me that I am a wife first, a daughter-in-law second and her daughter third. It just feels so pilu. Anyway, I’m still struggling with all these new roles and responsiblities. But at the same time, I feel thankful to have a wonderful husband who makes it easy for me.
- Everything you know and feel about your partner is amplified.
They say you never truly know someone until you live with them. Oh how true. My husband and me definitely discovered new things about each other, and we still talk about learning our newly discovered traits and habits. Thankfully, there is nothing completely new or shocking. For us, because we already know each other so well, it feels like everything we know about each other, is amplified. (If you watch vampire diaries, it’s a bit like becoming a vampire.) When you know your partner is OCD, when you live with him, you will discover that he is much much more OCD! When she is lazy, she is actually much more freaking lazy as a pig. But at the same time, when he is a loving guy, you will discover how much more capable he is of showing even more love to you. Basically, every trait and every quality of your partner becomes magnified to you.
- Marriage is not what you see on social media.
Everyone posts only the good and happy stuff about everything. But that’s not all it is. I’m not saying that you should also post negative stuff or air your dirty laundry. But all the good and happy stuff you post, paints a false picture of the actual thing. It’s just too bad. In real life, marriage life is just like life in general. There are ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Lucky days and unfortunate days. But in actual fact, marriage life feels like everything is amplified (just like being a vampire, again). The highs are high, and the lows are very low. When things are good, you feel extremely happy especially since you have a life partner to share it with, who makes you even happier. And vice versa for the negatives. When you laugh, you can laugh harder after marriage. But when you cry, it can crush you. Furthermore, being married means that there are more circumstances, more people and more opportunities for life to bring you down.
Overall, it’s been a really interesting and enlightening journey for me so far. My stand still stays: the only regret is not marrying earlier. 🙂