I am returning to work in 2 days, so feeling a bit emo yet grateful for a few milestones, hence the mood for writing a blog post. Hadi turned 3 months old last Friday! Today is his 9th day at infant care. I think he is adapting well and the teachers say he is very manageable. When I asked one of the teachers whether he cries a lot, she said “He cry no sound one!” Hahaha. No wonder my mum says his cries are quite soft, although it seemed quite loud when he screams.
But sadly, he started coughing after his 4th day at ifc and fell ill soon after. His cough got worse and the phlegm sounded very thick and heavy. So we brought him to the clinic on Thursday evening and got some meds for his cough and phlegm. Unfortunately, fever kicked in on Saturday evening. His first fever. Weirdly, this boy was still in an okay mood. Most of the time, he was still being his normal smiley self and doesn’t really look like a sick baby. I nursed him more often the whole weekend and spammed him with balms as often as I can. Yesterday we had his polyclinic appointment for his immunisation and 3 month development assessment. We had to postpone the vaccination since he was still unwell with on/off fever. Doctor also gave us panadol and nasal drops. The assessment went okay, but doctor said he is gaining weight too slowly. Hadi’s birth weight is 2.7kg and since me and bf are quite slim, Hadi has always been on the lighter side of the scale. His weight is now at <3% percentile, which is a cause for concern. But since we were coming back in 2 weeks for the vaccination anyway, the doctor gave us chance to fatten him up before checking his growth again when we return to the polyclinic. We forgot to ask him what would happen if he is still too light by then. We got home, and Hadi was being cranky and needy the whole evening. He would only sleep on our chest and when we put him down, he would cry murder inconsolably until I offer the boob and he falls back asleep on me. And the cycle repeated for 3 times.
His illness took me by surprise because even though we knew that ifc babies tend to fall sick more often, we were not mentally prepared for him to fall ill almost immediately. It broke my heart. And then I learned from some mummies that their kids in cc would fall sick every month, but it would toughen up their immune system in the long run. Oh gosh. I am so not mentally prepared to handle it if this really happens. I don’t even know if I will be able to handle being a working mum well, especially since I will be shifting office to Jurong. Urgh.
My parents said that Hadi is quite a smiley baby, alhamdulillah. His head control has been improving, although he doesn’t seem to enjoy tummy time much. He loves bath times and has started “talking”! It’s so fun to observe him practising using his vocal chords. He is also amazed at the different sounds, tones and pitch that he can make by himself now, and he loves it when we talk back to him to respond. He seems to enjoy reading books too. It’s so heartwarming to see him grow right in front of our eyes, although I already miss him when he was still a newborn. Can’t wait to see him start laughing next!
Since Hadi started ifc 2 weeks ago, I have been trying to be as productive at home as possible. Had a lot of household chores to catch up on, went through Hadi’s wardrobe and finally sorted out all his bigger clothes by sizes and categories, KonMarie-ed a few random drawers in the kitchen and bedrooms, did a manipedi, did another urut with sengkak as a “penutup”, had another breast massage, did a few dress rehearsals to practice pumping in the office with my office top, tudung, nursing cover and my spectra handsfree cups and finally sent my new BF-friendly dresses for alteration. There is still a lot of decluttering to do around the house, and I need to iron as many work outfits as I can in an attempt to be one step ahead.
3 months of parenthood has been a rollercoaster ride. It’s quite enjoyable for the most part for me, but we were also quite unprepared for how it would change the dynamics of our marriage. With all the different parenting styles for me, bf, my parents and bf’s parents, we still got a lot to figure out. Life pretty much revolves around Hadi now and as a defensive first time mum, I’m quite taken aback by how the birth of a small being can suddenly put me in a tough spot to juggle and balance my roles as a wife, mother, daughter and daughter-in-law. Sometimes, being a good mother and being a good wife/daughter/DIL suddenly becomes mutually exclusive in certain areas, which is difficult because sometimes I have to choose? Soon, I have to balance being a good/productive employee as well. And then there is also the self-reflection bit about being a good role model and the person I want my son to be, so that he can follow me and be a good person. Rarely do children grow up to be better than their parents. So if I want my child to be good, I need to set an even higher standard for myself. Although it seems like it’s going to be a continuous work-in-progress anyway, but am I able to meet halfway? Hmm.. I’ve also been thinking about what kind of parent I want to be when my son gets older. Is it right to be a friend first, and a mum second? Issues like being open-minded about sexuality and other taboo topics have been haunting my mind because I don’t want to be that parent who just don’t talk about these things enough. I recently attended a parenting talk and the speaker told us that she and her kids are open enough to read each others’ whatsapps. Wow #parentinggoals. I think I am too afraid for my child to not like me or be close to me as he gets older, but is this obsession healthy?
My BF-ing journey is still going very well alhamdulillah. I’ve accumulated a huge stash of frozen BM in my freezer, just in case my supply drops when I return to work because I am not sure if I can keep up with pumping 3 times in office. I was even contemplating on donating some FBM away, but I’m still very hesitant and was-was for some reason, mainly because I don’t know who or how to donate them to and whether I should pick up a anak susuan. I’m really grateful that this journey has been going better than I expected with all the benefits that it brings. BM may be free, but I’ve invested more than $700 on pumps, equipments and breast massages. I had no idea that BF-ing is going to be such a high commitment physically, mentally, emotionally and financially. But it’s been really humbling because all rezeki comes from Allah. No matter how much effort I put in to make it work, if He doesn’t allow it, it will never be granted. And He can take it back any time He wants. So alhamdulillah for everything.