The other day H and I were talking about something related to marriage and kids. I have a 24-year-old brother and H has a 24-year-old sister. We were just casually mentioning how both our siblings are still single and do not have a proper career yet although both have finished school, so they are nowhere near settling down and stuff. And H mentioned how my parents are not too worried about my brother not getting married any time soon, but his mum is more worried for his sister because she’s had no luck finding a partner so far. Continue reading “Sons vs. Daughters”
So H has been working for almost over a year now and I think he is facing a little bit of quarter life crisis. I remember feeling this way when I first started working a few years ago.
Completed my education, got my degree, got a job, settled my loans, 5-year plan on track, got married, now what’s next? I think the mundane routine of going to work and coming home from work every day without anything concrete to look forward to, makes us feel a little bored and we start to wonder what is the purpose of life. Why do we go to work when we hate our jobs? Just for money? For what, other than to survive? To give back to parents? So mainstream. To give back to the community? So cliche. To travel? To start a family? To buy a half a million dollar HDB flat which will never truly be mine because technically we are just renting it for 99 years? What’s the whole purpose of getting up, shower, work, go home, eat, sleep, lepak, berak, do laundry, dry clothes, fold clothes, repeat?
It feels like there is this void in your life, like there’s not enough meaning or fulfilment. And then H said to me, “Shall we have a baby?” Erm……no. It’s not that I don’t want kids lah, but this is obviously not the solution to a quarter life crisis lol.
I was just telling H what I did when I was in his shoes a few years back. I guess it was kinda worse for me back then because while I had already started working, H still had 3 more years to go before graduation. So I had to wait for him. My life felt quite stagnant. Like someone pressed the pause button. So I searched for things to do to occupy my time. Having more financial freedom meant that I had more power to do the things I’ve always wanted to do, as well as things that are out of my comfort zone. So I started signing up for things and classes. I went for zumba. I tried yoga and piloxing. I even signed up for a swimming class and this is probably my proudest recent achievement ever. I never knew how to swim before this, but now I can do the breast stroke even though I’m still a horrible swimmer. I used to have one or two tutions to occupy my time back then too. I also used to attend a class at Darul Arqam religiously (pun intended LOL) for awhile. Basically, I pondered about what would I regret not trying in my life when it is too late. I went for this and that sharing sessions, met new people, made more friends. And life started to feel better and not so mundane after all. But there are still some things I kinda regret not doing, like signing up for that kickboxing class at the ladies gym. I haven’t been to those kind of courses/classes for awhile now because wedding preparations made me busier. But I guess it’s time to start again now, while guiding H on his own personal self-discovery process at the same time lol. Marriage life sometimes kept us occupied with ourselves too much. Like we focus a lot on serving our spouse and continue to shower attention to our parents and families consistently that we may forget about our own personal growth.
Anyway, we’ve been married for 7+ months now, and alhamdulillah we’ve been consistently doing all the things we want to do after the wedding, in terms of kickstarting our new life together. Treated both our families to a nice meal right after our honeymoon. Got a solid health insurance plan for both of us which comes with a rider. Settled reviewing our parents health insurance and make sure they are sufficiently covered so that we don’t have to worry so much since we are both the first child. Researched house designs, hunted for an ID and signed the contract! Now just waiting for our keys in December insyaAllah. Get our own place to stay while waiting for our BTO keys. Had our post-wedding photoshoot at our alma mater, TPJC. Plans to register for hajj are underway. Started to look up umrah packages too. Still thinking about adopting a cat or two. And last but not least, I have FINALLY started driving lessons! YESSAAA!!
Yesterday I joined H and his friends for dinner and one of them mentioned how she has stopped asking her friends out once they are married, but will only wait for them to initiate the meet up.
To be honest, I felt the pinch when she said that. This is not entirely a new concept. Even in our younger days, when a friend suddenly has a new boyfriend or girlfriend, we have this natural tendency to distance ourselves away from them to give them more space/privacy/time because he/she now has a new commitment, a new responsibility or duty or obligation. We assume that their schedule becomes busier, cos now they have to spend time with one more important person in their lives. Well, H and I are feeling this “isolation” more prominently from our friends after marriage.
Please guys, don’t do this.
I totally understand that this distancing away tendency is real and is kind of natural. But it’s really not necessary at all. We still need our friends. And just like our pre-marriage days, we start to feel bored, lonely and lethargic when we don’t meet our friends for too long. Yes, sometimes we feel busier with chores etc, but marriage life can be tough and some lepak sessions with friends will be nice to help us unwind and take a break. Not that we are jelak to see our husband’s face everyday lah lol. But really, I think as long as kids are not in the picture yet, there’s no need to treat us any differently pre- and post- marriage in terms of asking us out.
Sometimes we do take the initiative to ask our friends out, but I don’t know why, it feels like the semangat is not as strong as as before anymore. H feels this strongly too with his friends, so I’m quite sure it’s not just me. While I understand that sometimes seeing your friends getting married will give you the feeling like you’re going to “lose” a part of your friendship, please know that married people don’t feel this at all! So if you are not married yet, please continue asking your married friends out as much as you like. They will appreciate it A LOT!
Or I might be just over-sensitive about this cos other people are also adulting and all. Oh well.
Today officially marks 6 months of marriage, alhamdulillah! Tiny update: the cats have returned to their original owner 😦 They were with us for 6 weeks while their owner shift house. I was quite sad and heartbroken when they left. Never have I imagined to become so emotionally attached to cats! I have always loved cats, but I didn’t expect myself to have the emotional capacity to be extremely acquainted with them. The two boys have filled up our hearts so much, it felt like my life had actually had purpose with them around. No joke. Maybe this is how it feels like to have a child? When their owner came to our place last Sunday, I was initially emotionally okay. But after they left, H and I went out for a movie date. When we came back later that night, I couldn’t help but cry buckets like a baby! It was just super sad for me to come home to an empty house, with no cats greeting us and rubbing themselves against our legs, demanding attention. H was even prepared to make arrangements to adopt a new cat for us, but I was like woah chill dude, I am not that desperate to have a cat cos I have lived 26 years of my life without a cat so I definitely can live without one for now hahahaha.
Okay so how do we feel about our marriage after 6 months? Well I can go on and type out so many cheesy things we have gone through that makes me proud of us, but I shall not bore you with it cos most of them I have already mentioned in my previous posts. Basically, so far so good. At least to me, I feel like we have reached the stage where we need to constantly remind ourselves to not be complacent and put in more effort at being kind to each other and put in more effort in showing love hahahah. Other than that, well my mum has started to show her “tak-sabar-nak-cucu” anxiety by asking me to drink susu kurma and whatnots. Speaking of which, I can rant on and on about how ridiculous it is to expect a couple to conceive immediately after marriage, but that will be a topic for another day. It seems like we might only be getting our BTO keys in November or later haizz. Discussions on our house designs get heated pretty easily most of the time because like I mentioned before, H and I have very different tastes and ideas on our designs. Oh wellz. Also, discussions about our 10-year plan are intensifying. Everything is tentative, nothing concrete yet. Which can be very annoying and makes us anxious because there are just so many possibilities and things that can happen which we may never expect. Somehow we find that not many people plan as ahead as us. Or maybe they do, but they just refuse to share when we ask. Or maybe this is just a first-child thing. We have dreams and ambitions, some of them may look very far-fetched, and planning our future around the future of our family members is very important. Our parents are not getting any younger. We are foreseeing them to start developing certain illnesses or conditions (touch wood nothing happens), which may affect us in many ways. What if they have no choice but to stop working, what if they choose to have an early retirement, who will pay the younger siblings’ school fees, what if their mobility is reduced, what if we need to take care of them, what if their conditions affect our future kids, who will take care of our younger siblings, until when do I work full-time, how do we change career and at which stage etc.
Okay enough blabbering. Can’t wait to go out dating with H later tonight! For the past 6 weeks when the cats were at home, we have been putting away date nights. Because the later we reach home, the later the cats have their wet food dinner. So conversations have been like this, “Nanti lepas kerje nak watch movie?” “Nanti kucing lapar” “Okay nvm”
I thought I would write about one of the most common questions we got during raya this year. I moved out of my in-laws’ in May, specifically over the labour day long weekend, after 3 months of marriage. We got a rental flat under HDB’s PPHS scheme. Apparently, this move was quite shocking to most of our closed ones.
Well, I can imagine the kind of things they were thinking. What’s with the sudden decision? Why? Where? Did something happen? It’s so sudden, so something must have happened? For how long? Were they chased out? Are they running as far away from their family as possible? Continue reading “Wife’s Bites: Why We Moved Out”