Hope everyone’s ramadhan and raya has been great. Time flies really fast this year. It’s already one week into syawal! I personally did not have a great ramadhan.
I was 17 weeks pregnant when ramadhan started and I was determined to puasa although my morning sickness is still on and off. My gynae also gave me the green light. One week into ramadhan and I already had to miss 3 days of puasa due to vomitting, which nullified my fast. The good news was, it got slightly better as my stomach got used to the hunger pangs. But I still felt dizzy and nauseous most of the time and even on days when I managed to puasa the whole day, I was struggling to focus at work and be productive with raya preps at home. At the same time, I was monitoring my weight because I haven’t been gaining weight at all since the very first time I weighed myself when I found out I was pregnant.
Early this month, I had my 20-week anomaly scan. To be honest, bf and I were very nervous. But alhamdulillah, it was a huge sigh of relief when the scan showed that everything is okay and the baby is growing well. Not that we are at risk of any complication, but we just don’t know how to handle it if Allah decides to test us with something, y’know?
Right after the scan, we met my gynae to go through the scan report. That was when she advised me to stop fasting because it turns out I have been losing weight. I also told her that I was still having morning sickness and puking about once a week. Although baby is healthy and growing well, it’s not a good sign for me. So before my weight loss starts to affect my baby, it’s better if I stop fasting.
I actually felt quite heartbroken. I thought I was strong enough. I thought if I could just quietly talk to my baby and convince him/her to puasa together, we can both get pahala and do ibadah together in this blessed month. And then the guilt also crept in. Just imagine, you have been fasting every ramadhan for your whole life except for days when you have your period. Even when you’re sick with fever, puasa goes on. So to have to skip fasting for the first time for reasons other than menses, it just felt so wrong and I felt so guilty. I had to bring my own lunch to work and eat secretly in the office even though none of my Muslim colleagues are around. It was just too paiseh.
Yes, I know pregnant and breast-feeding women are exempted from fasting if they don’t feel well and strong enough. But I have always felt unwell almost throughout my whole pregnancy so far anyway. So I knew it would be a quite a struggle. Pregnant or not, fasting is supposed to be a struggle of hunger. I knew I had to try really hard. But how was I supposed to know what was the limit and when to stop? Skipping puasa just felt like the easy way out. Like giving up too easily. I felt weak and like a failure. I was struggling to come to terms with it, but I had no choice.
Now that ramadhan is over, I told bf next time must plan strategically so that my future pregnancies will not coincide with ramadhan. HAHAHAH.